112 days, 5 hours, 5 minutes and 47 seconds

It's been 16 weeks (or 112 days) since Gessner died. It really doesn't seem like it has been that long, but at the same time it feels like it has been forever. Each day is long and short at the same time. It is so hard to believe that this even happened. I keep thinking that I am going to wake up and realize that I have been in the most vivid nightmare. I was thinking about it last night and it all happened so suddenly. Gessner stopped working only 3 months before he died. He went on short term disability so that he could go to all of the transplant evaluation appointments and focus on his health. Neither of us had any idea that he would never go back. In fact, I remember him talking to his doctor about going back to work the day after his TIPS procedure and less than 2 weeks later he was gone.

I am doing okay, but also not okay. I think that the outside world probably thinks that I am fine. I feel fine at times, which is a strange feeling, but a lot of times I feel completely lost and broken. I love Gessner with every fiber of my being--as cliche as that sounds and I feel like I have been ripped apart. But apparently this is part of the process. So I take it one moment at a time and hope that it gets better.